RIP Dainton Connell - 'The Bear': see 'The Bear's Lair'.

Sold on Song - 8th May 2006

After a lull in Pet-tivity, the Pets Files Agents were all out in full force at the exclusive Mermaid Theatre concert for Radio 2.

Amongst the assembled 600 invited guests we immediately spotted the ubiquitous Janet Street-Porter and Elton John, who, in sunglasses, was failing miserably to be inconspicuous. They sat in their own little roped off area at the back. Various members of Neil's family all trooped in and sat about half way back including Neil's sister Susan, and various nieces. A few minutes later, Chris's sister (in skinny black jeans and leather jacket) showed members of the Lowe clan to their seats. Before the show, Agent Butt spotted Dainton in the bar….he was later seen ambling into the auditorium. David Dorrell (PSB Manager) was also seen sporting a short new haircut. Woo!

With seats in the second row, our Agents were treated to a great, close up view of all that was happening on stage. Neil wore black jeans, cowboy boots, a black polo shirt with sequins across the top, a black tailcoat and top hat (he later removed the hat saying "it's getting a bit sweaty under there" - yeeuch!). Chris wore his usual uniform of a white tracksuit top and Yohji Yamamoto cap, blue jeans and white trainers. He remained cunningly hidden behind his sheet music throughout the proceedings.

From the opening orchestral strains of Left To My Own Devices, the hits and, hopefully, future hits (?) kept coming….. During the opening number (LTMOD), Neil looked extremely nervous and grabbed the microphone as if to sing whilst it was still the intro. Luckily, he realised his near-error, regained himself and came in at the right moment - phew! After Devices, Chris slunk off stage to let Anne Dudley play the piano on the Liza Minelli version of Rent. Three songs into the gig, the 'Boys' blasted into the first offering from the new album - The Sodom & Gomorrah Show. What an absolute stomper! In the interval Madonna's PR person and Neil's mate, Barbara Charone was heard saying "there was talk of it being the first single". Rufus' voice was exquisite on Casanova in Hell and really suited the song. Slightly bizarrely (bearing in mind it was for a radio concert), a screen was lowered ("this is the bit where the screen comes down" - Neil pointed out, helpfully) and After All was performed against the backdrop of a scene from Battleship Potemkin. Neil announced the final song of part one by saying that it was about ID cards "which neither Chris nor I agree with" - this roused a cheer from the audience.

The second half began with another new song (Numb) followed by It's Alright after which Neil declared ""there you go - a rave classic". This prompted a guffaw from the audience. "Well, it was!" Neil retorted with a grin. Luna Park sounded amazing, as did Nothing Has Been Proved. "It's the whole story of the Profumo affair in 4 minutes! - you don't have to see the film now" quipped Neil. Shortly afterwards, we spotted Chris waving at someone (we guessed was Robbie) lurking at the side of the stage out of eyesight. Neil launched into the spoken introduction of Jealousy with gusto before announcing the final special guest - Robbie Williams. Robbie larked about and seemed to constantly be trying to make Chris laugh by pointing at him (we think he succeeded in raising a grin). Slightly annoyingly, Robbie got a standing ovation for his buffoon-ish performance. The agents saved their standing ovations for the Pets - after all, it was their concert! A few songs and funny dances later (we particularly liked the bobbing up and down in It's a Sin) and the show had ended - all too quickly!

After the show security was like Fort Knox (probably 'cos the likes of Robbie and Elton were amongst the backstage throng). Blimey, it would have been easier to break into the vaults of the Bank of England! Even Pinkski's AAA laminate failed to secure her and her fellow Agents and Petheads entry to the oh-so-exclusive after show shindig. (A fact that Barbara C was incredulous at. "WHHHHAAAAT!" she screeched , "You mean to say they won't let you backstage with THAT? But that's access all areas!") We know. Bloody frustrating. Apparently you needed a wristband as well. D'oh. Sooo…with this finally hunted down and secured (a-ha!), our merry band eventually trooped backstage….

However, despite getting backstage, a meeting with "ver" Boys still eluded us (boo!) and the Agents had to return to HQ with not one single scrap of scurrilous gossip. How absolutely T-ragic (said with a roll of the eyes).

Rumour has it that for failing miserably on Mission: Sold on Song, our Agents are being sent to the Tower next…. Hmmm…..watch this space!

Neil at The Killers Gig
London - 19th February 2005

Agents Pinkski n' Butt took the office kangaroo, Skippy and his fellow marsupial mate, Mark, along to The Killers matinee gig at the Brixton Academy on Saturday 19th February where they knew they could hop up and down to their hearts' content. How dumbstruck were our quartet though, when none other than Neil Tennant (in black polo neck jumper and long black coat) sashayed in just before the concert kicked off and sat in the very front row of the circle? They couldn't help noticing (inbetween swooning over Brandon!) that Neil seemed to be enjoying himself, leaning forward over the balcony railing, mesmerised, and nodding 'sagely' every now and then. Awww....bless! He scuttled off backstage just before the final number. Not sure why - no-one except our eagle-eyed agents seemed to recognise him there.....and can you believe that even the people backstage were unaware of the presence of this God-like synth-pop guru.... ??! Gah!

Is there a Tennant in Town?

Not that we're turning into 'Heat' magazine or anything, but some other 'spottings' of that most suavest of creatures, the "Tennant around town" have come to light recently. Indeedy do dahs, our "Pet monitoring" system was jammed with the sheer volume of calls to report sightings of our favourite popsicle! Tracey from London reported a possible Tennant sighting in the St John restaurant (rather posh establishment in Clerkenwell) although she does admit to not being entirely sure as to which Pet Shop Boy it was! Doh! We presume from her description (she didn't say scruffy oik in a baseball cap) that it was Neil. Unfortunately the rather camp person she was with shrieked "Ooooh looook!! It's one of the Pet Shop Boys!!". Squirm.

Everyone's "favourite Uncle" (© Smash Hits 1987) was also spotted on a GNER train from Kings Cross to Newcastle recently. Agent B's fellow "rock" pal (don't panic - they studied geology together - Agent B is still undergoing therapy for her other, more serious, "rock" addiction) served Neil a cup of tea! Earl Grey, we presume....

So, if you see a rather tall sophisticated fellow dressed (most probably) in black you know what to do - call the Pets Files police, there's a Tennant in town..... NB: If a rather large, very orange bloke runs up to you and slaps you round the face, you have been TANGOED, not Tennanted. You have been warned. Do not mistake the two.

(Nearly) a Minute too Late…..Chris in Disabled Loo Shocker!
National Theatre, London - 27th January 2005

On the evening of January 27th 2005, our two theatre loving agents, Pink and Butt, attended the opening night of the rather fabulous Simon McBurney production of Complicite's 'comedy of mourning', "A Minute Too Late". The piece was redirected by and starred Simon McBurney, who staged Battleship Potemkin in Trafalgar Square. Therefore, it should hardly have come as a surprise when our two eagle eyed agents spotted none other than the inimitable Sir Neil of Tennant and Lord Christoph of Loweville there lurking 'mongst the throng in the bar. When our intrepid duo first spotted Neil, he was smirking to himself at a text he was either sending or receiving. Our shameless Pink Agent walked straight over to La Tennant and tugging lightly on the sleeve of his dark grey knitted pullover, said "hellooooo!" with a huge beam. A bespectacled Neil looked up,and after a gasp of astonishment, shook our agents' hands and placed a kiss on both cheeks (oooh, how continental, Mr T!).
      "Ooooh, helloooo….how are you…?" he said and then pointing his finger towards the auditorium added "Were you in there…? Did you see that??!". Before our Agents could answer, Neil gabbled "The 'Other One's' here as well you know!" and no sooner had these hallowed words been uttered than Chris Lowe, right on cue, dressed in grey sweatshirt, jeans and no cap, shuffled his way into the conversation. It transpired he had felt the need to relieve himself in the disabled toilet. "It doesn't matter" he shrugged defensively "There's nothing wrong with going in a disabled loo!.......Oooh ellooo…" he added on realising it was the agents, "were you in there as well???!!". His chunky mobile phone bleeped; he glanced at the message, grinned and placed it back in his pocket. Having expressed mutual surprise more than once that both Pet and Agent had attended the very same play (bizarre, isn't it…??! Ahem…) we asked "what did you think…?"
      "Oh, of course, we're all McBurney fans now, aren't we?!" Neil declared in his familiar Tennant trill. He mentioned that he had seen the play the first time round. "That was 21 year's ago, wasn't it?" enquired our Pink Agent (glad someone did their pre-mission homework!).
      "Yeeees".
      "Is the History Boys still on?" chipped in The Other One, "I'm supposed to be going to see that".
      "Yes" replied Agent P "that's got It's a Sin in it, hasn't it?".

All too aware that things have been a bit quiet on Planet Pet recently, our agents asked PSB what they had been "up to" recently. "Making a new album" Neil replied, rather matter of factly.
      "I hear you've been to Estonia rather a lot!" uttered Agent P, scourer of scurrilous tit-bits from Cyberspace.
      "A LOT??!!" Neil and Chris both spat incredulously at the mere suggestion of this. "Where did you hear that?!".
      "Erm, on the internet…" replied a sheepish Ms P before adding "obviously it was a vicious rumour…".
      "Oooh you don't want to believe what you read on the internet" a rather stern and schoolmasterly Mr Tennant reprimanded Ms P.
      "oooh, it's all rubbish on the internet" added Chris. "We've been there for one weekend - TWO days!!" both Pet Shop Boys said almost in unison. "A friend of ours opened a club over there" explained Neil adding "it was Janet's idea. It was the first time we've been back since the concert we did there". Persevering with the Baltic theme, Agent P asked what the Boys had thought of the Estonian capital, Tallinn, disclosing that she is intending to visit at some point in the near future. "Quiet" replied Chris, without a moment's hesitation "Riga's better - you should go to Riga - it's livelier and has better nightlife. Tallinn is a perfect, beautifully formed medieval town though - it is lovely" he added. "February's the best time to go" continued our newly-found travel advisor "we even had snow there - ooh, you should definitely go. Easyjet even fly there now". At this point Chris screwed up his nose somewhat "You get stag parties out there now though…"
      Agent P looked horrified "what??! already??!" she mouthed incredulously.
      "Yeah, well anywhere Easyjet fly you get stag parties" Mr Lowe said, obviously not impressed with this in the slightest.
     "Ryanair had flights to Riga for three-ninety-nine the other day " announced Ms P excitedly. Millionaire Chris couldn't quite get his head around this. "What - three POUNDS ninety-nine??!!" he enquired, visibly shocked. "oooh, I think they should ban all these cheap airlines!" he announced snootily before adding with a slight hint of contempt "they don't even serve food!!". He mentioned that PSB had flown on Estonian Air and complained that they didn't serve food either thanks to Easyjet and all the other budget airlines cutting back on costs. Our Boys, never shy to put across their viewpoints, were on a roll now and continued to list even more heinous crimes against the likes of Easyjet and their ilk. "They don't even charge tax on fuel consumption!!" spluttered an enraged Chris… Agent 'Green' remarked that she thought they did charge this on some long-haul flights depending on the tour operator, but not on the shorter haul flights. "I'd pay it" she added. Then, realising that their bladders were as weak as Mr Lowe's, our twosome started to say their goodbyes to the Boys. Neil and Chris continued to strongly advise them of a trip to Estonia. "Go on a tour of the Baltic states!!" Neil trilled as our Agents left.

What a mad evening. Glancing at the programme on the way out, our Agents sniggered as they pondered possible posthumous PSB album titles from the list of verbs for "die" listed in the play's description. "Pet Shop Boys Meet Your Maker" and Pet Shop Boys Croak" were runners up on the shortlist, but by far the best was "Pet Shop Boys Drop off the Perch". Well, you could forgive our Agents their rather irreverent attitude. They had just been to see a comedy about death after all.

The Pets of Darkness..!!!

Pets Files Agents Pinkski and Butt have recently been reprimanded for forgetting the number one rule here at PF HQ: "You Dance to Disco but you don't like rock". The wayward, reportedly head banging duo, were caught on numerous occasions by Pets Files Cam attending various "rock" gigs, sporting rather too much black eyeliner than is healthy and admitting a penchant for leather and long hair. However, the final straw for the Anti-Rock Authorities here at HQ was when Butt was caught red handed playing "air bass" in what only can be described as a hot n'sweaty rock "den" (see pictorial evidence). Faced with such overwhelming proof at just how far they had deserted their duties, the sheepish pair agreed to undergo intensive rock addiction therapy. They claim, however, that the lack of happenings on Planet Pet and being left, a bit too much, to their own devices was entirely to blame for their waywardness. A statement from the duo reads as follows:

"We wish to apologise to Neil and Chris and all of our fellow Petheads for straying onto the rock n'roll highway….We still think Neil and Chris are the best duo in the history of rock (except for maybe Page & Plant) and to show how enthusiastic we still are about them and their music, we both intend to get a Pet Shop Boys' tattoo on our left buttock"

Even though he has recently grown his hair, we are pleased to report that Agent Doris, luckily, has been unaffected by the affliction. A careful eye is being kept on Skippy, the office kangaroo.

Pets Files HQ are doing all they can to try to keep Pinkski and Butt off of the rock n'roll highway and on the straight and narrow. Hopefully any forthcoming PSB material will aid their recovery process and in the coming months they will be able to tell us "How they learned to hate rock n' roll".

Pinkski Peddles Porn to the Pets!
Jonathan Ross Radio Show - 27th March 2004

An excited Agent Pinkski rather too enthusiastically accosted Neil at the Radio 2 studios with the words "Neil, have you SEEN the Porn issue of Attitude magazine..?!"
      "Erm….no" replied a rather taken aback Neil
      "We're in it!!" Pinkski exclaimed and then realising what she had just said, explained "well, obviously not us, personally, as that would be extremely disappointing….!" Neil grinned and Pinkski proudly showed him the full page that featured "Hedwig" - the show that she and Agent Butt were involved with. Neil seemed very impressed with our Agents' new found "fame" (haw haw). He exclaimed "Oooh so you're in the theatre now….?" prompting a conversation about "luvviedom". Neil then asked our intrepid duo to remind him of the dates that Hedwig would be appearing at the Brighton and Edinburgh Festivals but realised that some of the dates would clash with the summer festivals tour the PSB would be undertaking. Gah! Boo!

Changing the subject somewhat, Agent P then lambasted Neil for "copying" her and Butt's wig wearing style on national TV.
      "Neil, just where did you get the idea for wigs on Flamboyant TOTP then…eh?" she enquired. Neil beamed before pointing out that PSB had "done wig-wearing" before the Agents. Our Agents disagreed and a heated (but jovial) debate then ensued with Neil finally retorting "yes, we did - on Performance". Realising they were indeed wrong our sheepish agents backed down. "Oh yes…so you did" they replied. Duh!

Later on, just before PSB's car was about to drive off, a naughty Agent Pinkski ran over and tapped on the car window. As Chris looked up she held the dodgy magazine cover in front of him prompting Chris to screw up his nose in disgust and pull a "oooh noo…. don't think so love…!" kind of face. Hilarious!!!

PSB Play for the People - Battleship Potemkin 12th September 2004

How excited were our Agents when it was announced that the fabulous Pets were to perform their self-penned soundtrack to Battleship Potemkin live in Trafalgar Square?! What's more, even the office Kangaroo Skippy hopped up and down more than usual on hearing that it was FREE!! Hurrah!

Not entirely sure of what to expect from the day's proceedings, our Agents and marsupial mate all agreed that it was more of an "event" than a Pet Shop Boys' concert. There were lots of curious people wandering through the square earlier in the day enquiring what was happening. Shortly after arriving at about midday, our eagle-eyed Agents spotted Neil's sister, Susan, and her husband wandering around looking slightly bemused also. Susan seemed very excited at the prospect of her brother appearing at such a prestigious "gig" in Trafalgar Square that night and mentioned that their parents were staying at the Trafalgar Hotel (right on the corner of Trafalgar Square). Throughout the afternoon, various friends of the Pets Files arrived - most notably, Mrs Doris, Amy, Stu and Mark. Unfortunately "Neil Bear" had to stay at home. He is still recovering from his A.R.E. Weapons experience at the Astoria show in 2002 and has hardly ventured out of his house since....

Much to everyone's amazement a "surprise" rehearsal took place mid-afternoon. Without any announcement whatsoever, Neil and Chris arrived and took to the stage. They were both casually dressed with Neil sporting jeans and a black jumper and the master of "Scouse Chic", La Lowe, in trainers, baseball cap, jeans and a grey hooded sweatshirt. They ran through sections of a couple of numbers for that evening's performance but Chris seemed more interested in flicking through the News of the World and catching up on tabloid tales! Whilst they were rehearsing, they were followed around by a film crew, including a man with a big, fluffy boom mike…! Bizarre! Needless to say, Chris couldn't wait to leave the stage and scuttled off as soon as he could. Seconds later he could be found backstage checking his text messages (let's hope they weren't too dodgy, Mr Lowe!). Neil, ever the professional, stayed on stage just to doublecheck a few more things before both he and Chris headed back to the hotel for, we imagine, an afternoon kip (in Chris's case) and high tea consisting of cucumber sandwiches for the ever urbane Mr T.

During the actual gig, our Agents agonised over where to stand. In the end they placed themselves at the barrier where they could see the orchestra and Pets, but had to crane their necks to view the screen. Thankfully, Neil and Chris had changed their attire. Neil was now wearing a very dapper sooo-yoot, whereas Chris wore head to toe leather (calm down, Pink n' Butt!), cap and dark glasses… The atmosphere at the front was great and most people didn't give two hoots about the rain (which was now quite heavy). One guy was incredibly excited as it was the first time he had ever seen PSB! Awww, bleess! At the show's finale, Neil's face was projected onto the side of the National Gallery on the opposite side of Trafalgar Square. But was it "pop" or "art"? Now, that was most certainly "art", daaaarliiingzz..... The man's a masterpiece!

Doris Hits the Headlines!

Towards the end of 2004, Agent Doris appeared in that most hallowed of publications, The Birmingham Evening Post, thanks to his life-long interest in PSB. Yes, siree. The full article can be viewed here (if you have extraordinarily good eyesight!).

It has to be said that Doris's PSB collection takes up most of the space here at HQ leaving some of our agents operating out of the office broomcupboard.….ahem. Amongst them our Agents have amassed quite a collection of PSB memorabilia including Neil's pink jim-jams from the1989 tour (owned and worn on numerous occasions when drunk, by, erm, Agent PINKski).

"Horny Boys"
Produced By Trevor Horn Concert - 11th November 2004

Whilst their fellow agent, Butt, was in Milan with the Hedwig production (see above), Pinkski stayed in the UK and attended the Trevor Horn shindig with Doris and Nightlife Extra. As predicted, Wembley was the shite venue it always has been, distinctly lacking in atmosphere but awash with spilt beer and empty plastic containers. Boo!

Our agents met up with various fans at a nearby hotel for a drink before the concert. A far more animated scenario than the actual concert where people were sitting down!! Nightlife Extra, Doris and Pink had already decided that they would have none of this when PSB took to the stage. When Neil and Chris strode onto the opening orchestral strains of Left to My Own Devices (at the very beginning of the second half - too soon, surely??!) our temeritous trio immediately danced up the aisle, pints of lager in hand, much to the chagrin of the security guards. Neil (almost immediately) noticed our three non-confirmists and grinned and waved. Security were not so impressed though and both agents and Nightlife were unceremoniously sent back to their seats in front of not only the Pets but also Prince Charles Harumph! What a swizz!

Chris left almost immediately after the Pet's performance and as our Agents stayed to see if the new guy in FGTH could cut it (how can anyone replace Holly?) they missed him. Hey ho. They were too lazy to see Neil either after the concert, going to the hotel bar instead. Needless to say on returning to HQ, they were severely told off for putting pints above Pets.

Pets Files EXCLUSIVE!! Shock Departure as Chris Lowe leaves PSB to join Three Degrees!
Pet Shop Noise at the Wellington - 27th November 2004

After a "Noise"less couple of years (sob!) Pets Files HQ was delighted when word reached them that the delectable duo were going to be undertaking a gig at "Wellingtons" in Birmingham. Hurrah!

On the day of ver Noise's "comeback" it transpired that Agent Doris would, sadly, be unable to make it - the electrically talented agent was up to his eyes in wires instead, repairing the Pets Files' Pet-tracking radar system which had inexplicably gone down earlier that afternoon. Bah! Pinkski, Butt and the office Kangaroo, Skippy, turned up in Doris's absence. However, the deluded trio all turned up sporting "rock" attire, believing they were attending a "grandads of rock" convention. The buffoons!

It was great to see some other familiar faces there - Amy, Stu, Mark, Scandal, Nightlife Extra (although we hardly recognised him with his trousers on....ahem!), and to meet some new people (Hello Callum!). We were also introduced to a new "Chris" in the form of Nigel and, we're glad to say, Butt, Pink n'Skip failed to frighten him off with their scary rock antics (although Pinkski did ask if he was going to trash his keyboard on stage…). Oh dear.

It really was a FAB night with all those quintessential PSN touches that we have come to love present such as the stripy skirts ("These are culottes y'know…oh no, it IS a skirt, I do beg your pardon…"), the ridiculous lion's mane-like wigs, and the surfing "condom". Hurrah! There was much standing on chairs and whooping and hollering throughout the Noise's performance. All the old PSB faves were performed including Heart (with "Terry Tennant" resplendent in top hat, tails, white gloves and scarf just like Neil in the Heart video). "Why don't PSB play this live more…?" one person could be heard bemoaning. The Noise also treated their fans to a rendition of Flamboyant. It was great to hear a recent PSB song performed by the duo and the crowd was singing along heartily. Hmmm…perhaps our Agents and fellow Petheads did scare Nigel off a bit after all with their enthusiastic antics as he was later to be seen on stage as part of the "3 degrees". Well, actually, he was hauled up on stage by the drag artiste Pixie Perez and made to don an afro wig. Hilarious!

As the Wellington is a karaoke bar it came as no surprise then that inbetween the acts (PSN & a couple of drag acts) there was ample chance for those crooningly-inclined to "impress" (or not) their fellow audience members. A brave Callum was the first of our table to take to the stage, performing an impressive version of Soft Cell's Tainted Love. A bit later in the evening, when the divisions between sanity and delirium had been blurred by copious amounts of alcohol, two of our Pets Files Associates, Stu and Mark, undertook an ill-advised karaoke spot. Hmmmm. Bonnie Tylers they ain't. They haven't even got the frizzy, bleached blonde bouffant hair for starters. Thankfully (for everyone's eardrums), Pinkski did not get picked for the 40 or 50 karaoke slips Stu had filled in on her "behalf". Cheers, mate.

Well, a PSN event would not be complete without Nightlife Extra taking his trousers down and, true to form, he did so. It was at this point, however, that he promptly got thrown out of the bar by the DJ and his burly henchmen (They must've taken a dislike to his choice of underpants or something….can't see why else they would throw him out….?! Ahem…).

With people now beginning to seriously flag, we said our goodbyes to the boys and a few hardened souls undertook a pilgrimage along the yellow-sick road to have their egg-cravings satisfied by the wizard of that most hallowed of establishments "Mr Egg"… EGG beans chips, two sausages (one large, one small), a fried slice, tomato and extra EGG …. It all seemed like a good idea at the time.

What a laaarf. Do go and see PSN if you get the chance. It's always a great night out!

Adios Amigos! And in a puff of exhaust fumes, the Petmobile heads away from Boywatch beach in search of another Pets Files Mission......

PS (B): There will be much more stuff happening on the site so check back every now and then!